My Little Bug,
You’ve been my daughter for 69 days, 22 hours, 53 minutes and 50 seconds as of the time I’m writing this. In your short time in this world, you have managed to completely, and utterly change my life. This letter is for you, for so many reasons. Most of all because I want to share with you all of me.
While I was pregnant, I had so many thoughts. I wondered what you would be like, when you would first smile at me, how you would make me feel. I struggled with the idea that I could be a good mom, that I would be a good mom. I wondered if that were true.
I wondered too what you would look like. Would you have my eyes? Your daddy’s lips? The chubby cheeks I had as a baby that turned into high cheekbones? And then I wondered even more about your personality and talents. Would you be good with your hands like daddy? Know how to always make me laugh like he does? More outgoing and self-aware like he is? Or would you be more like me? Artistic, creative and reserved. Or maybe you’ll be completely different and unlike either of us.
I guess only time will tell.
I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. 30 years from now I will still remember it just as vividly.
Daddy and I went to the hospital the night before because I was going to be induced. We got in the car, bags packed and stopped at Wendy’s for my last meal other than hospital food.
I was terrified.
I didn’t know what it would be like to give birth to you. But I’ll be honest, the thought of having you come out of me, well, I didn’t really think it was possible.
We arrived at the hospital greeted by nurses. We had a wonderful suite, with a pull out bed for daddy, although he never used it. He didn’t leave my side the entire time.
The next morning when the contractions came, all I could think is that I wasn’t ready. That there had to be some other way to bring you into this world. Your daddy and I had joked a lot while I was pregnant about someone creating a prenatal transporter, like the transporter in Star Trek, to gently transport you out of me and into my arms.
Clearly that wasn’t going to happen.
The contractions got worse and worse to the point where it was almost unbearable. Then this wonderful nurse came with my epidural. Before she gave it to me, my doctor told me to rest and take a nap and he would check back in a few hours.
I thought he was nuts.
And then the epidural took over. I didn’t feel the contractions, in fact, it was the first time since the 2nd trimester that I felt great. If I didn’t pay attention to the itchy feeling from the epidural. I’d say I was floating on clouds. And just as the doctor said, I fell asleep.
I woke up hours later with a handful of nurses and the doctor in the room. He checked you, said you were “right there” and said, “Why don’t we try pushing.”
Just like that.
No drama like you see on TV, just a casual “why don’t we give this a shot” approach.
So we did.
From the time I started pushing until the time I heard your first cry, only 15 minutes had passed. Then there you were! I watched as daddy cut the cord and the nurses took you to clean you up. At least it wasn’t too far, I could still see you. I could see your very proud daddy rushing in with the camera to catch your first few moments.
I couldn’t believe you were actually here.
After months and months of carrying you with me, and preparing for your arrival. Painting walls, putting together baby furniture, folding the tiniest clothes, here you are.
I tried to keep the tears from coming but I’m sure a few escaped. All I wanted to do was hold you, and those nurses took so long! (Ok, it was really only about 10 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity after waiting for you for so long.)
When they finally put you in my arms I fell in love. I have never experienced that before, that instant undeniable feeling. The feeling that I would do absolutely anything for you. I knew from that moment on you were first. Above myself, above Daddy, even though I love him so much. You need me, and I’m yours.
You’re a few months old and smiling at me already. You melt my heart. I can’t wait to watch you grow up Chloe. For you to crawl, walk, and hear mommy for the first time. I know that Daddy and I will do our best to help shape you into a wonderful, caring person. You’ll be free to make your own mistakes and we’ll be here with advice and to dust you off after.
Through scraped knees and sweet 16’s I’ll be with you. I’ll be your biggest fan. When you don’t believe in yourself, I will. When you need love the most and want it the least, I’ll always be here Chlobug. Always.
I love you always & forever,