I was not as prepared as I thought I was for our first child. Everything that I thought might happen didn’t, and things I never thought would happen did (and then some). I have a new mom’s confession to share with you. I wonder how many feel the same.
I remember coming home from the hospital, sleep deprived and terrified. We were finally on our own. No doctors or nurses around to help us, and there was definitely no user manual.
My confession: I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t let my new baby sleep in her crib. I just couldn’t do it.
Those first few weeks as a new mom I was ridiculous. I can look back and say that now. I didn’t like her in her basinet, even in our room where it was. I couldn’t see her. I felt like I had to see her.
I kept thinking terrible things would happen. That she would be just a few feet away and I would sleep through her choking or crying. And I knew if that happened I couldn’t live with myself.
It took until she was two months old for me to decide to put her in her own bed. And without the help of my fiancé I don’t think I could have gotten through it.
I would still get up every five or ten minutes to go check on her. Just to make sure she was still breathing. I think I eventually became so exhausted that I passed out. I think that’s the only way I could have slept that night.
I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t let go of the thought that she didn’t need me for everything. That she could be in the other room and be OK.
Now she’s nearly 6 months old and I love that she sleeps in her own room, in her own bed. I don’t worry like I did, but it was definitely a gradual process. It didn’t just “turn off” one day. Slowly I realized that she could be alone while she slept, that everything would be fine and I would wake up to a smiling girl who just slept great.
I’m sure there are lots of mom’s confessions out there. This one just happens to be the one I’m willing to admit right now.
Did anyone else deal with this? How did you handle it?